Bzzzt-

　　"Authorities from the U.N and the Pentagon are reporting that the Great Dragon downed today came from Russian air-space. President Vladimir Putin has denied all such claims, pointing fingers at-"

　　Bzzzt-

　　"It was huge! When the missile hit its head, the thing blew up like a Zepplin with wings and-"

　　Bzzzt-

　　"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGEEEE-"

　　Bzzzt-

　　"During the choas today, several reports came in about a second monster running mayhem. A Large and unidentified military vehicle destroyed several stop signs and damaged at least fifteen parked vehicles on the streets of-"

　　Bzzzt-

　　"He picks up a bus and he throws it back down!"

　　"As he wades through the buildings toward the center of town."

　　"Oh no, they say he`s got to go-"

　　Click.

　　By the time we made it home to the apartment it was well past sun-down, not that I anyone could really tell considering half the city was still lit up like torches. Still, in light of everything I was ready to write the day up as a success. We`d done good work, and come out in the green so long as my bank wasn`t aflame when I needed to cash my checks on Monday.

　　Carefully, I extricated myself from Green`s heavily armored shell, jumping down with a heavy "Thump" on the familiar pavement. The soft scent of charcoal was pleasant contrast to the overwhelming aroma of diesel fumes I`d been previously been hotboxed, and I took in a deep breath; content with my lot in life. It had all come together, a little bit of fire and flame, but no real skin off my back. Once again I had returned, safe and sound.A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

　　"Great work today Green." I twirled the keys around my finger passing off with a nod in the vehicle`s direction. "Oil change bright and early tomorrow, you earned it." I hollered over my shoulder as I unlocked the main door, letting it close as I made my way up the stairs to the second floor to my apartment.

　　I made it about a single step inside before I heard a voice call out.

　　"Human." It boomed, deep and filled with displeasure. "You done fucked up."

　　Reaching blindly for the light in a panic, I found I could see nothing but a glowing pair of eyes that seemed to stare deep into my soul. With a mix of fear and relief, I managed to flick the switch, revealing the abnormal and malignant entity which watched me.

　　Sitting atop the counter top, the Tabby cat waited. Our eyes met.

　　"Do I look like a bitch to you?" It asked. "Do I?

　　My blood curdled. "Shit." I managed to mutter, breath catching.

　　"No human, not shit. Tuna." The cat leaned forward, fur bristling. "Where is the mother-fucking tuna?"

　　As it leapt from the counter with claws extended, I was already halfway out the door: Both of my hands pulling it shut behind me in a practiced motion of terror as claws met steel with an awful grinding scratch.

　　"You`ve got twenty minutes. Twenty before I piss on everything up in this joke you call a home human. No more." The deep voice threatened behind me as I ran down the stairs, skipping three at a time as my hands slid along the rails.

　　"Green!" I shouted, opening the apartment door, "Green, we forgot to pick up the-" I stopped, staring at the space a tank had once filled.

　　In its place, a metallic green unicycle lay casually propped up against the curb.

　　"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding."

　　The End

　　Roll credits

　　Written by wercwercwerc/jakethesnakebakecake

　　Directed by James Gunn

　　Cast:

　　Jack: Chris Pratt

　　Fritz: Chris Pratt

　　Background actors: Chris Pratt

　　Tabby voiced by: Samuel L Jackson

　　Green voiced by: German Panzer

　　Music by Blue Oyster Cult, CCR, REM, and Mastodon.