Chapter II: I Am Complete!

　　Alright, when is this hail storm going to end? It feels as if small rocks are landing all across my body. Like they`re literally rolling off of my sides now& What`s the point of this?!

　　Achievement unlocked: Spicy Facial

　　Taste +2

　　Well, that answered my question. Someone is setting me up to be a great hero; I`m sure of it! Oh, someone is shoving that pleasant sensation underneath me again.

　　Woah, I`m moving faster than ever now!

　　*Smack* *Sizzzzzz*

　　Hit points -0.69

　　Ah frick! My face is burning! Wait, do I even have a face? I`ll have to think about this later because now the hail storm is back. At least this time, it`s not as annoying.

　　Taste +1

　　Okay, okay, I`m making gains again! It`s difficult to stay positive here, though& This heat is making me sweat like a whore, ugh. Is this guy done yet with the hail?

　　Taste +2

　　Well, at least he`s consistent, better than I can say for myself. Well, my previous self anyways! I won`t waste this new life I`ve been granted; I swear upon my future harem!

　　*Plop*

　　Skill Achieved: Smoked gouda [Wisdom +0.99]

　　Hit points +0.69

　　[editor`s note: "gouda" been a better cheese ( a� \� a�). Forgive the pun]This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

　　Yes! Oh my God! Whatever this is, it feels amazing! Like an ice pack that wraps itself around a sweltering body! It`s forming around my skin perfectly too! I wish they`d give me at least one point in my wisdom stat, though. I feel a little cheated. And ah, my mind aches. Ugh, wait a minute.

　　"Hey Mike, get those wizard sticks going as soon as possible! The longer that Karren waits, the more she`s gonna complain!"

　　"Oi, don`t rush perfection! That bitch is gonna have to wait till this burger is done!"

　　I can hear now! This is amazing! There`s someone near me having a conversation, but it sounds so distant, fuzzy, and muffled by sizzling. Did they say something about a burger? Why would& Oh no& For the love of the Plot God, say it isn`t so!

　　*Ding* *Ding* *Slam* *Flip-flop* *Flip-flop* *Pop* *Crackle-crackle*

　　No, no, no, I refuse to believe what I am thinking right now. Nope, stay positive Peter, stay positive. I got this, nothing will bring me down! Hopefully, I`ll be running this town! Wait, am I even in a town?

　　*Scrape*

　　Oh! I`m going places, but please, not on my back again; that`s for people who receive, not for those who give! Mhm, this feels pleasant, like a soft bed made for royalty. Now it feels like I`m being anointed with a crown of some sort?

　　Skill acquired: Hair of bacon, lettuce, tomato [+.01 Wisdom]

　　Hit points +0.69

　　Yeah& I`m going to ignore that skill and be grateful for the full wisdom point that I now have. And hey, my health is now back to what I started with! Gains, it`s all about the gains, my man.

　　Oh, someone is placing another crown upon my head. Sure, why not. I am pretty great after all, another crown will suffice.

　　Skill acquired: Buns of true sight [+1 Wisdom]

　　Holy shit, I can see! Well, kind of, it`s awfully blurry. There seems to be this large pink thing hovering over me. What is that?

　　"Alright, time for the finisher!"

　　Ah fuck, don`t splash your jizz on me, dude! I don`t swing that way, wait shit, I`m being squished! Please, stop this! No! I am your god emperor! No! Ugh&

　　"She is complete! Yes!"

　　Bruh, I`m not she` my dude. I am surprised, though. I didn`t lose any hit points for that abuse. However, that was terrifying. I felt as if I was stuck under a boulder for a week.

　　Skill acquired: Completed Burger from Great Sage Burgers [+1 Wisdom]

　　Integrity Stat Gained: +100

　　Yup, I knew it; I`m a burger. I`m fucked harder than when my bosses forced me to work in a locked room for four days straight.

　　Level up!

　　Fuck your levels; I`m a burger, damn it!

　　=Status Update=

　　Name: Otto von Peter

　　Level 2: MC Paddy

　　Hit Points: 6.9

　　Magic: Grease

　　Skills: Preservation [mental fortitude +1.5], Smoked gouda [Wisdom +0.99], Hair of bacon, lettuce, tomato [+.01 Wisdom], Completed Burger from Great Sage Burgers [+1 Wisdom]

　　Attribute: Perseverance [willpower +2]

　　Integrity: +100