Home Genre comedy Isekai Speedrunner: A LitRPG Parody [November 2023 Writathon Participant]

  We wake up, get dressed, and have an uneventful breakfast before leaving our hotel and making our way to the castle. The morning is crisp - chilly enough that I consider asking Sammy to heat us up with some fire magic, but I decide against it. It`s going to be a long day and we`ll need all the health and mana we can get.

  Along the way, I pick up a dozen oranges and six bunches of grapes. To be honest, I`m not even a big fan of grapes, but the oranges are cheap mana restoratives and grapes restore a small bit of both health and mana. Again, I don`t question it, I just acknowledge it and move on.

  As we pass through the central plaza and toward the castle, we`re stopped by a rumble beneath our feet. Sammy turns to me with an angry look on her face.

  "Be straight with me. Are we going into another sewer dungeon today?"

  I shake my head. "Underground catacombs. You`re going to get a lot of use out of Holy Bolt today. Might want to start practicing."

  Sammy jabs my shoulder at that last remark - fair enough. And with a second explosion near the castle setting off another earthquake, the final battle of the first arc begins.

  Panic sets in as a billowing smoke cloud erupts in the castle district. Screams and shouts reverberate throughout the town. Worried mothers beckoning their children inside, shop owners barricading the doors shut. The castle guard begins to mobilize, hundreds of volunteer militiamen and off-duty patrols are breaking into formations, and emergency sirens blare. The two of us turn to each other and I lead Sammy toward the northeastern sextant of Ravioli.

  We`re approached by two gremlins, neither of which can survive a single hit from Radiant Edge. Only good for 24 experience apiece, but still, every little bit helps. Two more approach, and two more follow them. Before long, dozens metastasize into hundreds and then thousands. The rodents of the underworld, and they aren`t going to abate until we cut off their source.

  "Holy Bolt!" Sammy cries out, and arcs of white lightning scatter around piercing through these impish fiends left, right, and center. With her increased Magic stat, these creatures` low health, and their weakness to Light element, she`s taking out about a dozen with each cast, though it`s not enough to stem the relentless tide pouring through the city.

  "Sammy, we can`t fight these off! We need to make for the source, now! Let`s clear a path, and follow behind!"

  I grimace as a couple gremlins shove miniature pitchforks into my thighs. They only do a couple points of damage each, but the wounds still sting. I`m not too worried about venom - they can`t inflict the condition in-game, at least, but their sheer number will eventually overwhelm the two of us, and given the scope of the invasion, I`m not expecting any help from the militia forces, which are probably preoccupied just clearing out the castle and surrounding areas.

  It`s a bit of a risk, but it`s our best chance of clearing a path. Hopefully we don`t get a hefty bill for damages as a reward for saving the town`s sorry behind. I sheathe my blade, focusing my energy into it, and with a single motion, unleash a Vacuum Slash. Its rainbow glow slices dozens of the fell cretins in half, though they thankfully disintegrate instead of leaving behind a trail of carcasses and blood for us to wade through.

  The waves are relentless. We kill what we have to, and Sammy uses a couple of heal spells once we fall below half health - we do our best to avoid attacks, but it`s hard to avoid an unrelenting assault from every direction as we push through these waist-high hellspawn. One slash, another, and another. My new weapon is getting plenty of opportunity to prove how invaluable it truly is as it continues to make mincemeat of these creatures, and after minutes which seem like hours of unrelenting chaos, we finally arrive at a small door in a nondescript alley leading down into the castle catacombs.

  The door is stuck, but with my strength stat, I`m easily able to yank the door off its hinge. The air coming out is cold, musty, and earthen, but compared with the sewage of Rotini, even that much is a symphony for the nose. I lead the way, Radiant Edge glowing slightly to illuminate the otherwise pitchblack descent, and Sammy follows with her staff aglow.

  My status window informs me that the two of us slew 126 gremlins during the trek, more than enough for the both of us to gain a level, and the two of us quickly munch on an orange before we continue down into the depths. Strangely, the oranges on Aravia have thin, edible skins, though they`re significantly more sour than the ones back on Earth. I pucker up and wince from the acidity ravaging my mouth, but a refreshing mental clarity washes over me and spurs me onward.

  Experience: 15,710

  To Next: 3,940

  Experience: 17,223

  To Next: 2,427

  Ashley Lancaster

  Level 16This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author`s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  Samantha Relford

  Level 16

  HP:

  987 / 1139

  HP:

  712 / 834

  MP:

  161 / 174

  MP:

  195 / 236

  It`s ominously calm in the early part of the catacombs. The pitter-patter of gremlin footsteps and the scream of man and demon alike echo down from the streets above, but there`s hardly more than the scurrying of rodents and our quiet footsteps down in the underground. There are dangerous foes lurking here - even without my knowledge of this world, both the lump gathering in my chest and the hair standing on end atop my arms alert me to a subconscious sense of danger.

  We tiptoe down a stone staircase leading deeper into the catacombs under Ravioli Castle, stopping a couple of times to listen for a possible ambush or trap.

  "Why do you think there are all these ruins under the castle?" Sammy asked in a whisper.

  "An escape route, if I had to guess. A way to foil a siege, or to discreetly get things in or out of the castle." To throw in yet another dungeon for the player` is the Doylist explanation, though I`m still far from ready to drop that bomb on Sammy.

  The narrow, winding stairwell opens into a large cavern underneath the city. The flow of rushing water at our feet echoes in the underground expanse as we pass through a narrow pathway of moss and mud leading further into the depths. The trail culminates into a thin earthen bridge connecting to the opposite side of the underground cistern.

  I lead us on and Sammy follows just behind, both of us walking deliberately to avoid any missteps, and we reach the halfway point. My heart is racing as I tiptoe on, turning my head every few steps for any potential ambush. As we near the far side, Sammy bumps into me, momentarily losing her footing about halfway down the thin trail and nearly dragging us both into the rapids below. I struggle to reorient myself from the sudden shift in my momentum without throwing her down, but she soon trips and begins sliding off the bridge into the water below.

  My body races ahead of me, diving down toward her before I realize what`s happening. Sammy screams out, and in a split second, I make my decision. Using all the strength I can muster, I fling Sammy toward the far wall as I fly backward from the generated momentum. She narrowly makes it to the far wall and begins to pull herself up the cliff toward our destination.

  I`m unable to power through the raging rapids, even with my current strength, and I don`t trust my ability to swim to either edge before I`m sucked into an aquifer. I make a difficult decision, stowing Radiant Edge and drawing my Ice Blade. The area around me grows dark as I thrust my weapon into the rapids, forming a block of ice just large enough for me to climb up.

  The only sources of light in the cavern are the dim glow of Sammy`s staff and a few patches of ominous purple-white luminescence in the water as I stand atop my icy dais. But my eyes are adjusting and with these tiny patches of light, I can just barely make out visages of my surroundings. With everything I can muster, I charge up a Sworderang, throwing it through the air vertically, just low enough that the spinning blade cuts through the water and creates new patches of solid ground for me to move toward.

  The roar of the rapids intensifies - we`re heading toward an underwater cliff, and there`s no way I`ll survive falling down there - even if there`s air to breathe, hypothermia, hunger, and underwater predators will eventually wear me down. I make it to the last patch of ice as my blade returns to me, and, stowing my blade, I throw my entire body into one monstrous leap.

  I retrieve Radiant Edge, using its glow to illuminate my surroundings once more - the raging waterfall is close, but the cliff is closer, and with a few powerful kicks, I reach my arm out and grab a boulder on the side of the river. The boulder gives and begins tumbling next to me, but it slows me down enough to muster one last burst of strength and pull myself the last bit of the way to the side.

  I breathe heavily, wave after wave of adrenaline still surging through me. My muscles grow sore and the cold eats away at me. Sammy is running toward me, her staff a welcome beacon for my weary eyes, though my strength is fading as I cling to the cliffside. The cold saps my strength and for the first time, I feel fear. Monsters can be prepared for. Plot events routed around. Cash reserves rationed. But the unknown, the aspects of this world being real, not being tied to a game engine with a predefined set of outcomes and perils. This is the true, primal fear, the fear of the unknown, of the unknowable.

  A soft glow envelops me as Sammy gets close enough to cast Heal upon me, and with that newfound burst of strength, I claw my way up, driving Radiant Edge horizontally into the cliffside to give me a grip against these smooth, damp outcroppings. Bit by bit, and with a couple of near misses along the way, I force my way up the edge. With one final reaching grasp, Sammy clasps my hand with both of hers and throws me up onto the surface.

  Relief fills me as I can breathe easily for the first time in goddess-only-knows how long. I pull out a bunch of grapes and chew on them while Sammy raises an orb of flame over my soaking body to warm and dry me. I don`t even like grapes, but these taste nearly as good as a&

  The thought stimulates another and I draw my half-eaten Wallack`s Spicy Special from my inventory. It looks good as it did as I deposited it - thank you, inventory magic - and I scarf down another quarter of my former meal. Still incredible, still spicy as all hell, but this time, I feel only a warm glow fill me. The icy plague damaging my nerves and muscles subsides, my breathing slows, and one more Heal spell returns me to fighting form.

  Sammy jumps onto me, nearly throwing me back onto the dirt. "Ash, you blockhead! I thought I was going to lose you! I& I don`t-"

  "I-" I try to get in a word, but she cuts me off.

  "I know, Ash. You were doing what you could to save me. Thank you." She hugs me, her embrace warming me yet further, to the point where I`m actually getting a bit toasty.

  "Don`t thank me yet, Sammy. There`s still several more perils to go through today." Though, most of these should be the sort that the two of us and my trusty Radiant Edge can handle. We decide to rest for a few minutes and calm our nerves before we continue our descent into the Ravioli Catacombs.

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