Home Genre comedy THE GIRL WHO FELL IN THROUGH THE HOLE AT THE END OF THE WORLD

  "So", said Izzario, twiddling his thumbs and tapping a foot against the cold stone floor, "here we are again".

  "This is becoming a bit of a habit", added Aelgren, with a rueful grin.

  The cell was positioned towards the end of the block, which was a long rectangle of bars and benches, ten or so paces wide. It was also dim and rather cold. The other cells were empty, except for a couple of old timers with hollow toothless gurns.

  Elizabeth sat drifting on a tide of gloomy thoughts. Back home her mum would be beside herself with worry, circling their damp and tiny flat waiting for any sliver of news. The very thought of never seeing her again sucked Elizabeth down with the gravitational pull of a mega black hole, taking her through a horrid sequence of events that began with Elizabeth`s empty bed, her mum discovering it, wondering where she was, flying into a panic thinking that something terrible must have happened.

  She had to get home. But how? The Omnaria was her only hope and for all she knew it could have been a million trillion miles away. Her mind ran off with the idea that they were never going to get it back and she tried hard not to think about what was going to happen then.

  A bored-looking guard with a plump bunch of keys strolled past, unhurriedly, and yawned.

  Barnaby buried his head in his hands. "Arraflax is right", he moaned. "I`ve put everyone in danger. Once the Dominion works out how to use the Omnaria then there`ll be nothing we can do to stop them. How could I have been so foolish?"

  "You can`t blame yourself uncle", said Luella, keeping a watchful eye on proceedings. "Arraflax has been trying to get you out of the way for years".

  "Yes, and I`ve just given him the perfect excuse".

  "He gave it himself more like - the double-crossing ratbag!" Luella snorted, like an angry boar. "Arraflax is head of the Wyse Council so he must have been involved with the North Star".

  Elizabeth was feeling rotten about everything that had happened, despite the fact that she was stuck in a universe that wasn`t even hers. "I didn`t mean to cause any trouble", she said, weakly.

  "It`s hardly your fault", grumbled Barnaby. "I`m the one that brought you here. And I`m the one that Arraflax hates".

  "Yes but I`m the one who decided to crawl through the rift", Elizabeth pointed out.

  Aelgren held up his spade-like Vollish hands. "Ach, if anyone`s to blame it`s me. I`m the one who left the Omnaria behind".

  "There is that", agreed Izzario.

  Aelgren pulled a face.

  "It hardly matters now", said Barnaby, with a mopey shake of his head. "I`m done for. This time Arraflax really is going to throw me into the dungeons".

  "But what will I do then?" Elizabeth choked, and her face grew hot and clammy. "I can`t stay here. My mum will be worried sick".

  Barnaby scratched at a tufty duckling of hair. "Yes, yes of course. And your father too, I expect".

  "Actually . . . it`s just me and my mum". Elizabeth`s eyes slumped leadenly to the floor, her next words sounding as though they were stuck to the roof of her mouth. "My dad`s . . . gone", she mumbled.

  Aelgren and Izzario exchanged a very anxious look.

  "We were in a car crash. A year ago. They said it was an accident. I keep trying to remember what happened but my head just feels all empty".

  A blanket of silence fell over the group, like powdery volcanic ash.

  "I`m very sorry to hear that lassie", said Aelgren, in a husky voice.

  Luella`s sharp pink eyes were locked on the guard as he trudged past the door to the cell. "You know . . . we could go and get the Omnaria back", she suggested, as soon as he passed out of earshot.

  Barnaby turned as floury-white as his hair. "But you heard what Arraflax said - it`s been taken to the Darkstone Tower".If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  "And?" shrugged Luella, dismissively.

  "And" croaked Barnaby, "the Darkstone Tower is one of the most heavily guarded fortresses in the whole of Orrica. Even if we could get in - which we can`t - and even if we knew exactly where the Omnaria was being kept - which we don`t - there`s no way that we`d get it back without being captured or killed".

  "That would defeat the object", remarked Aelgren.

  Barnaby peered out from behind his glasses like a sad, un-feathery old owl. "It`s simply impossible", he lamented.

  "Except", said Izzario, with a thoughtful smile, "it`s not entirely impossible".

  Barnaby developed an instant case of terrible fidgettyitus. "Now just hang on a minute", he implored, wagging a finger in the air. "Don`t you start getting ideas".

  "They won`t be expecting us", continued Izzario, not listening.

  Aelgren nodded. "Aye, it would be a surprise".

  "And the Darkstone Tower is very big".

  "With lots of room to hide".

  "But . . . but . . . " spluttered Barnaby, twisting back and forth. "You can`t just go marching into the Darkstone Tower. It`s far too dangerous!"

  Aelgren hung his head like a droopy horse. "Ach, you`re right. It`s a silly thought. We should just stay where we are".

  "Good", said Barnaby, leaning back against the wall and folding his arms as if the matter was settled.

  "I`m sure Arraflax will only give you five or ten years in prison. I mean, you`ve only disobeyed a direct command of the Wyse Council, it`s nae as if you`ve done anything seriously wrong".

  "And the dungeons of Ka`halth aren`t half as bad as everyone says", added Luella. "There`s a quite reasonable chance that you`ll still have most of your arms and legs by the time they finally let you out".

  Barnaby stirred uncomfortably.

  "Of course they`ll nae have any tea", said Aelgren.

  "Or biscuits".

  "Or books".

  "Or daylight".

  "Or even - "

  "All right, all right". Barnaby collapsed as though he was a soggy Yorkshire pudding. "Have it your way. But if we run into even the slightest hint of trouble then we are coming straight back".

  "As straight as we can", agreed Aelgren.

  Luella was peering through the bars of the cell. "Right then. Shall we go?"

  Elizabeth frowned. Evidently she had missed a very important part of the conversation - namely the bit that made any sense. "Er . . . excuse me", she said, "but aren`t you forgetting something?"

  The others looked back at her blankly.

  "We`re in jail?" she reminded them.

  "Oh you don`t have to worry about that", sighed Barnaby, climbing to his feet. "Not with this lot around".

  Luella sidled casually over to the cell door, fiddled about with her skirt, produced a thin metal hook from one of the folds and slid it into the keyhole. "It feels like a standard three-ball mechanism", she announced, just a few seconds later. "Which means that when you`re as good as I am . . . "

  Elizabeth watched, fascinated, as Luella jiggled and poked about.

  " - it isn`t a problem!"

  The lock sprang open at the exact same moment as Luella coughed to cover the noise.

  "You can`t spend time living with Mageligan bandits and not pick up a few tricks", she grinned, with a gleam in her eye. "Besides, the security in this place is rubbish. They`ve only got one guard. I`m surprised there are any prisoners left at all".

  She winked at Aelgren. "Your turn".

  Aelgren stretched his neck from side to side with a toe-curler of a crack. "Guard? GUARD!"

  There was a slow shuffling of feet, followed by the appearance of a surly youth with a uniform that was too big for him.

  Aelgren folded his arms. "Excuse me laddie, but I`d like to make a complaint".

  "You wot?" scowled the boy-guard.

  "A complaint. I want to make one".

  "Wot about?"

  "This place. It`s far too noisy. You cannae keep me here with these people. They never shut up. I demand to be moved somewhere else".

  The guard`s suspicious, apple pip eyes explored the inside of the cell. "No", he griped, sourly.

  "But it`s nae as if you`re busy or anything. You could easily just - "

  "I said no. N - O. Geddit?" The guard strode forwards in a very disgruntled manner. "This is supposed to be my day off. The only reason I`m even here is because everyone else has come down with a mysterious case of grunt fever. Now shut up and do as you`re - "

  BOSH!!!

  Elizabeth flung her hands over her mouth as Aelgren unleashed a mighty kick to the door, sending the unfortunate youth sprawling like a rag doll.

  "What a lightweight", Aelgren muttered, hauling the sleeping boy inside.

  "We`ll go out the way we came in", instructed Barnaby, straightening up his glasses. "I spotted a passageway not far along the main route. It should take us to the markets. We can get to the Odyssey using the back alleys from there".

  They retrieved their belongings from the storeroom at the end of the jail and swiftly made their escape.

  And in less time than it took Elizabeth to work out the square root of almost anything at all the group had reached the landing bay where the Odyssey was moored.

  "Nobody`s watching it", said Barnaby, sounding relieved. "Be quick and follow me".

  Elizabeth looked up at the ramshackle tub with a new sense of doubt about the wisdom of getting inside. "Are you sure this thing is safe?"

  "I`m almost completely certain of it", was the unconvincing reply.

  Barnaby set himself down in the pilot`s seat and fired up the propellers.

  Luella released the anchor line. "Ready when you are", she yelled.

  With a twiddle-pull-poke-prod, fidget, jiggle and switch, Barnaby lifted the airship with balletic grace into the sky.

  Elizabeth`s tummy began to flutter and dance.

  Recent events, she reflected then, had been most unusual indeed.

  And as the propellers of the Odyssey thrummed and rattled, as her heart raced and her belly churned, and as she looked about the gondola at the strangest group of people that she had ever met in the whole twelve years of her life, one single thought more than any other began to run around the inside of her head, performing endless spiralling loop-the-loop-the-loops . . .

  I am never going to fall sleep again!

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