There are only two political ideas. We CAN Help Everybody and We CAN`T Help Everybody. You already know which one you believe.

　　Mr Popularity`s Notes to Self Twitter Account

　　1 Hour Later

　　Doc-Danger had to sign off and work, so I have a few hours to myself. I pass a sex shop, and decide to pop in for supplies.

　　I spend over an hour comparing butt toys. I have no idea what I`m looking for. I want to blow Doc-Danger`s mind with epic sleaze, but this shit looks dangerous.

　　I`ve seen some of these whoppers used in porn, but those chicks are athletes. Probably on ass enhancing drugs or something. I haven`t had anything bigger than my finger up my butt in years. I don`t want my performance to end up in a coroner`s report.

　　Fuck it, I grab the smallest butt plug they have. It`s a start. I`ll work up to raunchy. For now I`ll try for cute and willing.

　　As I approach the cash, I start to get self conscious about my itty bitty butt plug. Beside the cash are a couple foot long dildos, thick as my wrist. In the impulse buy section. Like, you think you have everything you need, then you see a massive phallus, and remember you have to club a seal on the way home. Who the fuck impulsively buys a 5 pound dick? Fuck it, I`m going to.

　　Now I`m buying a huge dick to feel less self conscious. Clearly, I`m mixed up. That said, I have conclusively seized control of this commercial transaction. I want to slam my dick on the counter and yell "I AM MEGACLES!!" but the cashier deserves a safe work environment. So, I just give it a few practice swings and toss it next to the itty bitty butt plug. Obviously, the big dick is for me. Did you see the practice swings? I can handle it. I`m just buying the butt plug for my cat. She`s very active socially.This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author`s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

　　I pay, refuse a bag because I`m environmentally conscious pervert, and walk out to a busy street holding my giant penis. Shit, now no one has a safe environment. I look like a fan-fic Artemis Entreri. I shove it in my inside coat pocket. It leaves a noticeable bulge. Hopefully, people will assume it`s just a gun. Now I need a drink.

　　The closest bar is a strip club, because of course it is. Why not? Let`s see some naked ladies.

　　There`s a woman loitering by the door. She stops me. "They don`t let single girls in. Makes the strippers nervous."

　　I discreetly adjust my dick. Makes sense I guess. Some girls are weird.

　　I`m about to carry on, but she stops me again. "We can go in together." Huh. Is this a third date for tonight? Well, why not? I`m single.

　　I expect some questions from the bouncer, but he couldn`t be more bored. I notice my date`s jacket has a bulge as well. Well hell, I`m gonna get lucky. Hopefully, her dick is smaller than mine.

　　She`s attractive, about my age, focused on the stage. The woman on stage is young-ish and clearly has been to the gym this year. There`s a couple of middle aged men laughing and drinking up front, and a short cook with crazy wide shoulders refilling the buffet.

　　I`m about to offer my date a drink, when she pulls out a gun and aims at the stage. Crap. I pull out my dick and slam it down on her wrists. 12 inches of rubber wood slap the gun free. It hits the ground and fires.

　　Holy fuck, I`m deaf. She`s staring at me, shocked. Really, bitch? You`re shocked? She stoops to get the gun, but backs off when I brandish my dick at her. I`ve never used a dildo in anger before. I don`t like it.

　　Chef Shoulders is hustling up behind her, but she doesn`t notice. Must be as deaf as I am. She stoops for the gun again, and he just pushes her over and sits on her back. She struggles to reach the gun, but it`s a sad effort. Shoulders is a solid dude. The lovely stripper darts in and grabs the gun. She holds it like it`s a dead cat. One of the drinkers takes it from her and tucks it in his waistband.

　　"Uhh, I think we should give that to the police." I say.

　　"I am the police." He replies.

　　"Oh, good."

　　"Anyway, it`s my gun. And that`s my wife."

　　"Oh, shit."